Hot n Cold

That's me! Figuratively and literally.

I'm OK, then I'm not.

I'm freezing, then I'm sweating.

I had a complete breakdown watching the Tony's last night. But for real, the Tony's! Why?

Well, at the beginning of our fateful bad ultrasound, G asked the vampire, I mean nurses assistant, what to expect. She said moving arms and legs and he made a joke about the baby doing jazz hands at us. So, yes, the Tony's sent me into near hysterics.

When does this pass? When will I be able to breathe again without feeling empty?

When will I be able to envision the future without the shoulda beens? For example... a friend let me know about a fabulous deal on airfare to Hawaii in October. I can't even imagine it, because I shoulda been 7 months pregnant in October. October isn't even here, yet, but to me it's past tense. Will it always be that way? Will I always put life into the perspective of my Blueberry Bean?

In other news... It's been 3 weeks since the D&C and 6 weeks since the baby died and I still haven't had a period. I'm starting to get a little worried about when I'm going to get back to normal. I think maybe if I have a bleed I can feel like it's really over, but as it stands I still feel in limbo. Obviously, it's over. Surgery finalized that. But, my boobs are still sore, I'm still peeing all the dang time and I haven't bled, yet, so while the big things are gone (nausea, overwhelming and constant exhaustion) I still feel a little pregnant. Maybe that's why I can't let go?