It wasn't meant to be, and other nonsense fertile people say

One of my friends from childhood, with whom I stay in contact, had a miscarriage this week. I feel terribly for her. Thinking about her and her experiences this week has reminded me of all the insanely stupid things fertile people say when they learn of either a miscarriage or other infertility issues. For this reason, I'm posting a guide of shit not to say to a woman who's just lost a child, and the response they should give you if you're stupid enough to say any of the following things. This also applies to general infertility as well...

1) It just wasn't meant to be: So, in effect you're saying that all of the pregnancies that end in abortion were meant to be. All of the children born into abusive homes and bad family situations, they were meant to be. You were meant to be, but the thing I wanted and loved above all else in the world wasn't meant to be. I don't think I want to talk to you anymore.

2) God has a plan or It's in God's hands, or anything else insinuating God doesn't want you to have a baby: Translation... God wanted my baby to die? God doesn't think I'd be a good mother, but the abortions and abused children they are God's plan? You must worship a different God than I do...

3) You'll get pregnant again, or it'll happen, just wait: I don't want to get pregnant again, I want my baby, the one who's precious little life has ended far too soon. It's not like a puppy, you can't just go get another one. There is not replacement for the one that died.

4) At least you weren't further along: What the fuck does that have to do with anything? Seriously. My baby was somehow less of a baby because he/she was only 10 weeks gestation instead of 20? Without a doubt it's much harder to deal with a miscarriage after you've heard the heartbeat, but seriously, do babies get more real somehow as they get bigger? Just because you didn't love and care for and feel it growing doesn't mean I didn't, asshole.

OK, that is my reaction to these comments, although from speaking with others in similar situations, I can say I do not stand alone in feeling this way... So what do you say to a woman who's precious child has died before she's even had the chance to hold him/her?

"Wow, I am so sorry. I know there is nothing I can do to erase the pain of losing a child, but if you need anything, I'm here for you. If you want to talk, I'm glad to listen, and if you don't, that's OK, too. I am so sorry"

That's it.

Baby Shower Season is Upon Us

So, I had this whole long bitchy post written about one of my cousins and her baby shower. I'm not going. I'll send a gift. The rest is. not. my. business. I need to quit dwelling on other people fucking up their kids and lives and just concentrate on my little family in progress. It's not selfish, it's self preservation, and if they can't get that, fuck 'em.

WHEW!

So, new doc called me today. Apparently, she has been given the impression that I was worried. Why on earth would she think that? Not possibly because she said I might have cancer, then I'm anemic then... ... ... ... ...? Anyhizzle, she called today and apologized for the nurse not having full info last Friday. She also said definitely not cancer. WHEW! and again I say WHEW!

Now, the rational side of my brain knew that was the likely answer, and although I feel a bit of an ass now, I'm glad I was prepped for bad (while hoping for good). If I'd been all "everything's gonna be peachy" then she'd called and said "oh yeah, you've got the cancer" that would have been way worse than how it went down. So, what's that word I'm looking for? Right, WHEW!

I wish she'd have called with this news a little sooner, but whatevs, I'm not going to get pick snickety now. I'm feeling a little too, WHEW! to care about the little schtuff.

Here in southern Ohio it's rainy and gray and cold, and I've never been happier to be in Ohio in February!

I really hate waiting...

I think God must be playing some sort of cruel joke on me. He gave me an impatient personality, and then filled my life with one wait after another. For those of you dealing with infertility, you know exactly what I mean. Then add to that, more waiting to decide if moving forward with fertility goals is even an option, oh an wait to find out if you're dying. I'm losing my mind.

The thing is, I can't get my head around the cancer thing. It just can't be real. The only thing that feels real about it, is how it's impacting fertility plans. Obviously, if I'm dying I can't have a baby. But, how could I possibly be dying? Since we don't know anything for certain, yet, I'm choosing to believe that I'm not. But... I'm also researching the shit out of tests that need to be run and possibilities. I keep looking for that magical, "Oh wait, this really could be nothing" article on the Internet. As of yet, it's eluding me.

So, since, I can't think about anything else, here's what's going on in my head: New Doc is faxing lab work to me, I will take it to my GP and ask for her interpretation along with:

• Blood test for calcium levels
• Bone Marrow biopsy for plasma levels
• Urine analysis to check for Bence Jones proteins

I'm continuing to do more research to determine if anything else needs to be done. If there's anything I can do other than wait. Sure, I could be working, but frankly, I'm too keyed up to concentrate.

Hopefully we can get all of this out of the way in the next two weeks so it doesn't mess up March being a Clomid cycle. See, what I mean, this is only real in as much as it affects the baby making.

Speaking of baby making, as was previously mentioned, the baby making sex has been quite monotonous of late. So, I gave G a birthday present of "love making" every day, as opposed to "sex" every day. Now with the cancer stress, I've been falling down on the job. He is being quite understanding, but I feel terrible for not delivering on a gift that's less than a month old! Anybody out there have tips for keeping the sparkle while dealing with stress?

Off to the casino?

Yes. The hubs has decided this is the best way to get me out of my funk, so I'm off to waste money I don't have on drinks (might as well, since this is a no go cycle, now) and gambling. Yay...?

Updates of a nefarious nature

OK, not really, but I challenged myself to use the word "nefarious" in real life today, so there you have it.

I did hear back from the new RA doc's office today. Here's how the call went down:

• Unidentified Nurse: Your lab results show that you're very anemic.
• Me: Really? I think Dr. W already told me that, though... There aren't any updates that say, I haven't been told about, yet, are there?
• UN: Uh... no?
• Me: Uh...no?! What about the results of the serum immunofixation test? Do I have the monoclonal immunoglobulins, or not?
• UN: Well, the doctor didn't write any notes about that, so I guess they're normal
• Me: Fax me the lab report, number is ###-###-#### *click*

Well, maybe I wasn't THAT rude, but I certainly wanted to be. OK, I was kind of rude, but COME ON. I already knew I was anemic. It's one of the diagnosis codes from my last visit. Sure, I'm concerned about the anemia, but I'm just a little more concerned about what is causing the anemia. I didn't get the lab report though, but that's a whole other story.

So, here's what I'm assuming... the definitely cancer came back clean. Which is good. That means if it's cancer (as it still could be) it's not far progressed. It also means more than likely I have the monoclonal gammopathy of undetermined significance (MGUS). So, I attended some Google med-school classes and learned the following...

MGUS is diagnosed if Mutiple Myeloma is ruled out by certain conditions being met:

• M Protein is less than 3 g/dl
• Less than 10% plasma cells present in bone marrow
• No Bence-Jones proteins present in urine
• No Lytic Lesions (wholes in bones)
• No Anemia, Hypercalcemia or Renal Failure

Now, I'm thoroughly confused. I don't meet all of the conditions above, seeings how my M Protein spike and anemia are what started this whole nightmare. There's been no talk of testing urine or bone marrow.

So, now I'm thinking I need to get all of my test results and take them to my family doctor and get her opinion and interpretation. The nurse who called, obviously wasn't prepared to answer any questions. Meanwhile, I'm ovulating and am so confused. I am so confused.

Earlier in my life I would just take doctors at their word. I'd assume they knew best and would order whatever tests were necessary. Then, I spent several long years being told that my daily pain and fatigue were all in my head. Then, I spent several more long years being told that timing was the reason I hadn't fallen pregnant, yet, but just wait it'll happen any minute. So, I don't really trust doctors as perfect all knowing beings any more. I trust that they are doing the best they can with what they have, just like everyone else, but I'm quite sure that if I need somebody looking out for me, it needs to be me. So, I research and ask questions. I get really pissed though when doctors give me a small piece of a large, complex, scary puzzle then don't follow-up with all of the facts needed to put the f'ing thing together.

OK, rant over. Not much else to report, it's just been another scared, lonely day.

And the plot thickens

Alrighty, so ya'll remember that I went to a new rheumatologist recently and she needed a lot of blood, yeah? Of course you do, and if you don't please feel free to click the post tree thingy over on the left (Minta is not a pincushion, yeah, that's the one).

So the results are in and they aren't good. It's taken me a couple of days to get to the point to be able to write this, they're so not good. Here's the basics:

• I am Vitamin D deficient, despite taking a daily pre-natal and drinking loads of milk.
• My white blood cell count is up, probably from the prednisone.
• My white blood cells are small, probably because of the anemia.
• I'm anemic, despite the daily pre-natal.
• I have monoclonal proteins in my blood serum.

Do what, now? What the flip does that mean? Yeah, that was my reaction, too. Well, apparently auto-immune diseases, like rheumatoid arthritis, increase your likelihood of developing certain lymphomas and one of the tests she ran was to check for lymphomas. And it came back positive.

This. Can. Not. Be. Happening.

Right, but it is. So, no this doesn't necessarily mean that I have cancer right now. It means that I need tests to find out if I have cancer right now, or if I have a disease that leads to cancer later. I am awaiting further blood tests; however, from what I've read online, it looks like I need to see an oncologist either way.

So, because I need to make lists in order to not go insane here is a list of the possibilities:

• Monoclonal Gammopathy of Undetermined Significance: Not cancer, 25% chance of developing cancer later, causes osteoporosis, requires yearly screening for cancer. Best case scenario...
• Multiple Myeloma: Cancer of the plasma cell, incurable but treatable, 5 year survival rates are rising rapidly but still under 50%
• Other Lymphomas: Cancer, incurable
• Amyloidosis: Not cancer (I think), causes organ failure by depositing too much of a weird protein in organs (again, I think), incurable

The other possibility... the test is wrong and I have no monoclonal protein. I tend to be more of a realist, and while I'm hoping like hell that's the case, it probably isn't. My doctor only gave me the top two as possibilities, I found the other two by doing my own research. My doctor says don't worry, it's probably the top one. For some reason that's not terribly comforting to me.

So, here I'm dealing with this and ovulation is supposed to occur any day, now. I don't know what to do. We've been trying for so long and I hate to miss any opportunity. On the other hand, I can't do chemo while pregnant, plus what if I don't make it, I can't leave Gar to raise the baby alone, if we're finally successful. I don't know who to talk to about this. I feel so alone.

Fertility Shuffle

I picked this idea up from Callie over at May the Road Rise http://roadrise.wordpress.com/ and thought I'd give it a go...

Skip through your randomized playlist, and each consecutive song that comes up is the answer to the following questions in order:

1. The song for the you that existed before you ever thought about your fertility: Never There by Cake... Kind of fitting, actually. I knew from a very young age that I wanted to have children and I also knew from a young age that it would not be quite as easy as health class made it sound. I was still in high school when my "lady troubles" began and I started puberty at five and took experimental drugs to stop it. So, my fertility has been in the back of my mind since I started my period when I was 10.

2. Would you really want to go back and be that person again? Prayer by Rick Ross... Hmmm, not sure what kind of meaning to read into this, seeing how I never took my fertility for granted. I guess I'd pray for God's wisdom about it?

3. The song for when you first started fertility treatments: Baby Come On by +44... Well, that just about sums it up!

4. What did infertility do to your sex life? To the End by My Chemical Romance... Again, just about sums it up. It really sucks to have to do when you're fighting or whatever. It's draining you don't want to do it when you don't "have to." Or at least that's us.

5. What about superstitions and fertility rituals? Take What You Take by Lily Allen... I guess use what works for you and leave the rest?

6. How about “alternative” treatments, from cough syrup and pineapple to acupuncture and ‘body workers’? Enid by the Barenaked Ladies... Right I'm spinning again that just doesn't make any sense. Break Your Heart by the Barenaked Ladies... Again, nailed it.

7. How do you feel about coming out of the IF closet? Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends by Fall Out Boy... I swear I didn't fudge that one! That's pretty much my feelings on it, too. I've "dumped" "friends" who just didn't get it and weren't supportive. I give a lot to my friends and expect the same in return...

8. Your song for other people’s baby showers: Call and Answer by the Barenaked Ladies... Hmmm, also fitting. In my infertility nightmare, I have thrown three baby showers and attended countless others. I try to put my shit aside and be happy for my loved ones. Sometimes I'm not always great at it, but I always try.

9. What about our scary friend hope? Emotion Sickness by Silverchair... Gee whiz I have an eclectic library (I actually hate this song)! Yeah, Emotion Sickness, that pretty well describes it to a T.

10. And lastly, the theme song of your fertility journey: Typical Situation by the Dave Matthews Band... OK, I cheated again, the first one was Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground, but come one, I just told you sex really isn't so great during all this so I found it a bit inappropriate. Typical Situation isn't the best theme song (well, the song is awesome, but you know what I meant), but I guess it does fit. I'm certainly not alone in this and what I'm going through is a pretty typical IF battle.

Well, now you all know how eclectic my musical tastes are. Thanks for the idea Callie!

My Emma Puggins, Princess of Pugs

Yes, that is her full name. No, I don't know why I like to start blogs as if you've asked me a question, when clearly you have not. Yes, I am aware that I'm kind talking to myself right now.

But, I digress.

In the blog description there is talk of pugs. But, in reality there's only one pug. Just the Emma pug. There is another dog (Waldo), but he is not a pug. He is a "mutt" that I rescued about a month after graduating from high school. He is, and I am confident on this point, the best dog in the world. About three years ago I was recovering from a strong bout of "not pregnant, anymore" and also realized my beloved Waldo was becoming quite elderly and decided the answer was a puppy. This seemed like a brilliant plan, as I was also semi-employed (by choice).
Being me, I had to make certain we got the right breed. It had to be cute, it HAD to be small, but not purse dog small. I had a whole list of criteria. I spent weeks creating a comparsion matrix (yes, anal is the word you're looking for) to rank criteria (shedding, plays well with children, attractiveness to me, attractiveness to G, etc...) then give each breed a score based on how well they met the criteria. But, for real, I did that. I bought books and investigated on the internet. I was a woman obsessed. After much calculating and research I decided upon the pug. So, I began to search for pugs. Now, I know about the whole puppy mill thing and I don't like it, either, but I found a fiesty fawn pug at the pet store in the mall (save your lectures, puh-lease). I did all of the puppy tests and she was "the ONE." So we took her home.
Being semi-employed I had lots of time to train a new puppy. It was going to be sooooo much fun!!! I remember when Waldo was little, and it was a breeze. See training Waldo went something like this:

Me: Waldo, pee here (pointing to grass, very much NOT my carpet)
Waldo: *pee's*
Me: Good Boy!

Me: Waldo, sit *taps butt*
Waldo: *sits*
Me: Good Boy!

and so on...

At least this is how I recall it. Now, I'm not so young, and my Walds is elderly, so we realize this happened more than ten years ago *gasp* and I may not remember it clearly. But, I very clearly do not remember him using my home as a toilet, chewing shoes or furniture, or being a general pain in the ass.

The pug, not so much. This one came into the house hellbent on taking over. Dominate little thing she is. She pee'd on EVERYTHING, she poo'd wherever she pleased, she barked and growled and stole from Waldo and was just generally maddening. I joke that part of the reason I went back to work was to get away from the pug. (pssst... Wanna know the truth? I just really like to spend money, and you have to make it to spend it!)

But, after two years of hard work she is much better. Not good persay, but better. We're still working on the excitability and jumping on people. She's loose in the house without using it as a toilet, she listens to commands when there are relatively few distractions. All-in-all, I don't want to give her to people I hate for the weekend anymore.

I know, it sounds like I don't like her, which couldn't be further from the truth. I love my puggins. She really helped in my time of need, and she is a cuddly little lap dog 85% of the time. But, she has one habit that is driving me to my wits f'ing end.

The dog will not go outside unless I pick her up and carry her out.

Ever.

So, every single morning I carry her from the bed to the couch so I can make the bed. Then while I'm in the shower she goes back to the bed. Then I have to carry her from the bed to the back door. Unless for whatever reason she get a hair up her arse and decides she doesn't want to go out. Then she hides under the couch in her "nest." If she hides in her nest, I have to get my fat, RA* ridden self onto the floor and pull her out with my insanely stiff and painful hands. Then I have to manage to get my fat, stiff, RA ridden self back off of the floor with Emma tucked under one arm, and carry her to the back door. This has been going on since she stopped sleeping in her crate, and it's driving me crazy.

I have no idea how to get her to go outside. I need that British lady from TV that helps with the dogs, because I am at a complete loss. I've tried standing outside with a treat. I've tried pulling her out on her leash. I've tried a box and a fox. Oh, wait, wrong story! Seriously, how do I get this dog to willingly go outside? I'm asking, for real. Anyone?

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* RA: Rheumatoid Arthritis - see this link for more info. http://ww2.arthritis.org/conditions/DiseaseCenter/RA/ra_overview.asp I need a fun name for it. Jennepper has "The Diabeetus" (check her out, if you haven't already http://www.jennepper.com/), which makes her very un-fun GD much more tolerable. I need some tolerable right now as TTC and RA really aren't very good friends.

Okay, the octuplets have finally gotten to me

When the octuplet story first broke, I was not quick to jump on the WTF band wagon. Afterall, we knew nothing about the situation. May the parents were wealthy, had been doing fertility treatments for a very long time and had no other children at home. But, if they were middle class schlubs like me & G, or had a couple other kids or whatevah what's it my business?

So then we learn the mother was a single mother. Okay, that's her business. Also, she went against her doctors recommendation to murder, sorry, I mean "terminate" (and now you know my stance on abortion...) some of the babies. Again, I can honestly say if placed in that position, I would make the same choice. So, at this point I'm still empathizing with this woman.

Then we learn she has not a couple but SIX small children at home, and she lives with her parents, and she's unemployed and apparently she and her parents a little bit crazy. This is where I'm starting to loose my empathy and understanding with this woman. Really, SIX kids and you're getting MORE fertility treatments. Now, who I am to say how many children people should have? I'm not saying that there should be some set criteria for people to be allowed to use ART or even just good ol' fashion CC and IUI. What I am saying is... Good fucking grief, who screwed the pooch on her psych eval? Seriously. What sane unemployed, single mother of six children under 8, living with her parents in a two bedroom bungalow wants more children badly enough to go out and get implanted with at least 8 (I'm not buying that "they multiplied" bullshit) more embryos? Honestly, you know what I think, her quarterly storage rent was due and she thought "Fuck it, why pay for them in storage when I can use them?" Insane.

So at this point, she's crazy, but she really can't help it, she's crazy. Someone (hello Mom, Dad, Doctors, ANY-F'ing-ONE) should have sent her to shrink by now, but whatever. Then the crazy woman wants money to talk to Oprah, and now we know what it's all about. Maybe she started having kids because she wanted to be a mommy, and God knows I can certainly understand that, but at some point she saw the Duggars and Goslyns on TV and thought, now there's a way to make money! It's a new version of the welfare baby ploy. We'll call it the TLC baby ploy.

Now this would be a good point for me to clarify something. I love the Duggars and the Goslyns. I am happy for their success, and they seem to have their acts together and priorities straight. They also both happen to be Christian families. For starters, these families came to be large by very different circumstances. One by choice, one not by choice. They both supported their own families before TLC came along, by planning and in some cases with the help of loved ones, but neither had their children with the intention of using them to make money. Oddly, even as an yet unfulfilled infertile, I still love to watch their stories, but if the background behind their stories was quite different, I can't say I'd feel the same.

Back to the main point... This crazy woman has had 8 babies on purpose to get on TV. What kind of irresponsible monster is this? I know I'm making some assumptions here, but I truly believe they are not off base. I'm judging, and I know it, and I don't care right now. This whole situation has me so mad I can't even see straight. There are honest people in the world who just want to be parents for the joy of being a parent, and who need ART/fertility treatments to realize those dreams, and this crazy woman's irresponsibility has ultimately cast an ugly shadow on all of us. I think all parties involved did it for the money and the worst possible scenario is that they continue to get more attention and start actually making money from these children.