Once again, I find myself unable to concentrate for daydreaming about my hopefully upcoming pregnancy. I've never let myself get this hopeful before, and I know I'm setting myself up for HUGE disappointment, but I can't help it. Everything has been going so well since starting treatment with Dr. Wonderful, I just actually have hope for the first time ever.
It's funny, I'm so happy about the baby stuff and so torn apart by family stuff. I just want to go to bed.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Focus, not so much...
I'm really kind of scattered today. For starters, I had to be at work two hours earlier than normal on almost no sleep, so I'm REALLY tired. But, mostly, I just don't to work. I want to daydream and count on the calendar which days would be ultrasounds and when we could do pregnancy tests if this coming round of Clomid works.
What coming round of Clomid?!?!? Silly, Minta, I guess I should start with my appointment yesterday. I was so PO'd about the Barak Obama kills babies thing with Big C I forgot all about me...
Yesterday morning was my post op appointment with Dr. Wonderful. He took a peek and said the cervix is looking great, so we are all systems go for a treatment cycle with my next AF. Since yesterday was technically day 28 I was hoping that cycle would start today; however, we're getting close to 2pm (the cutoff for today to be day 1) and still no AF. Normally this would be good. I hate AF. She's horrible. On the other hand, no AF=no Clomid & no Clomid=no chance at BFP this month. Also, maybe with the big clean out AF won't be soooo bad.
So, now due to all this, I can't focus. I want to doodle on the calendar and make lists of things to buy and do for the baby. I know this is bad. I know I shouldn't have my hopes up so high, but I can't help it.
**************************************
Translation for the Infertility Speak impaired:
AF = Aunt Flo, i.e. menses
BFP = Big Fat Positive preg test
Clomid = drug to make my ovaries work
What coming round of Clomid?!?!? Silly, Minta, I guess I should start with my appointment yesterday. I was so PO'd about the Barak Obama kills babies thing with Big C I forgot all about me...
Yesterday morning was my post op appointment with Dr. Wonderful. He took a peek and said the cervix is looking great, so we are all systems go for a treatment cycle with my next AF. Since yesterday was technically day 28 I was hoping that cycle would start today; however, we're getting close to 2pm (the cutoff for today to be day 1) and still no AF. Normally this would be good. I hate AF. She's horrible. On the other hand, no AF=no Clomid & no Clomid=no chance at BFP this month. Also, maybe with the big clean out AF won't be soooo bad.
So, now due to all this, I can't focus. I want to doodle on the calendar and make lists of things to buy and do for the baby. I know this is bad. I know I shouldn't have my hopes up so high, but I can't help it.
**************************************
Translation for the Infertility Speak impaired:
AF = Aunt Flo, i.e. menses
BFP = Big Fat Positive preg test
Clomid = drug to make my ovaries work
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Barak Obama kills babies?
Or so thinks Big C, who is five by the way. He completely refuses to disclose where he heard this, but I'm outraged that someone would have the audacity to tell a five year old that the president kills babies, regardless of their opinion of the president. Is it true? Well, sure in a round about way. But, that's not the point. When I was five my biggest worry was learning to read, or if my sister had cut the hair of my baby dolls again (she likely had...). The president, abortion and politics in general were not even in my remote realm of conscienceness, let alone an actual worry.
Maybe it's just me, but I think it's completely unfair to place this kind of burden on such a small child. Especially Big C, just because I know how intense he is. This kid is genuinely concerned. He wants to know how the babies are killed, when the babies are killed and if his brother is in danger of being killed by Barak Obama. G tried to give him the most scaled down possible version the truth, but he shouldn't have to. This isn't something Big C should never have heard to begin with. What kind of monster steals innocence from a child to promote their agenda. It's completely reprehensible to me.
These are not little adults running around, they don't need to know what's going on in the world and they sure as shit don't need to know that the world is a big scary place just waiting to devour them. Five year olds need to know 1) their family loves them and will always love them, 2) Jesus loves them and 3) they are safe. That's it. They don't need to know about abortion or laws about who can use which bathroom and it's downright wrong to burden them with these grown up problems.
Maybe it's just me, but I think it's completely unfair to place this kind of burden on such a small child. Especially Big C, just because I know how intense he is. This kid is genuinely concerned. He wants to know how the babies are killed, when the babies are killed and if his brother is in danger of being killed by Barak Obama. G tried to give him the most scaled down possible version the truth, but he shouldn't have to. This isn't something Big C should never have heard to begin with. What kind of monster steals innocence from a child to promote their agenda. It's completely reprehensible to me.
These are not little adults running around, they don't need to know what's going on in the world and they sure as shit don't need to know that the world is a big scary place just waiting to devour them. Five year olds need to know 1) their family loves them and will always love them, 2) Jesus loves them and 3) they are safe. That's it. They don't need to know about abortion or laws about who can use which bathroom and it's downright wrong to burden them with these grown up problems.
The Holidays are Upon Us
I went out with G and Big C this weekend and found out... the holidays are here. I knew they were coming, but if the mall has anything to say about it, they are actually full on here. That wouls be fine and all, but I'm not ready. Not even close. For one thing, I was really hoping to be pregnant by Christmas. That doesn't look too good, now. But that isn't the main reason I'm not ready.
The main reason is that my family is a hot mess right now and if nothing changes we won't be seeing them for the holidays. G is quite adament that we won't be visiting this year, actually. I have rather conflicted feelings about this. I want to create great family memories for Big C and Little C; however, I have no control over the rest of my family. But also, I'm so hurt by them all right now, that even being in the same room is painful. As it stands I will be having holiday dinner at my house, and anyone who cares to come is invited. I hate to have to be that way, but there's no other choice at this point.
This would be so much easier if we were out of state...
The main reason is that my family is a hot mess right now and if nothing changes we won't be seeing them for the holidays. G is quite adament that we won't be visiting this year, actually. I have rather conflicted feelings about this. I want to create great family memories for Big C and Little C; however, I have no control over the rest of my family. But also, I'm so hurt by them all right now, that even being in the same room is painful. As it stands I will be having holiday dinner at my house, and anyone who cares to come is invited. I hate to have to be that way, but there's no other choice at this point.
This would be so much easier if we were out of state...
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Hormones galore!
I have been a basket case this week. I'm pretty sure that the surgery released some massive pent up hormones or something. (This is the excuse we're using, whether it's possible or not.) Between the crazy dreams and even crazier moods I'm ready to check myself into a mental health institution!
Last night I dreamt that my best friend from middle school was still alive (he passed when we sophmores in high school, so more than 10 years ago), that he had been in hiding from the mob and was now free to pick up his life. Even stranger he was in my mother's house, somewhere but try as I might, I couldn't find him. Really weird. Not my normal pregnant but can't find maternity clothes or can't decide on names or blah blah blah dream at all. It's been a while since he passed, so he really isn't someone I dream about often, but for some reason this dream was very disturbing to me and set me into a funky mood all day.
So, yeah, feeling a little crazy... then there's the whole election business. I'm really, really sick of the election. Don't get me wrong, I totally dig the political process. I'm just sick of the over-hyped, in your face, constantness (if that wasn't a word, it is now!) of this particular election. OK, I feel a rant coming on, you're forewarned...
1) I don't care who celebrities are voting for. Frankly, I think celebrities becoming over politicized is a huge turn-off (yes, I'm talking about YOU Leonardo DiCaprio, Anglina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Pink & the chick who hosts VH1's weekly count down show). I don't care that you like Barak Obama, I don't care how you feel about gay marriage, and I could give a shit less about your political opinions in general. I'm personally of the belief that if one person has cast a vote based on YOUR opinion instead of determining their own, that YOU have done this country a great disservice by abusing your celebrity. You are an entertainer, entertain and shut up about politics.
2) We don't need daily freaking polls for a month leading up to the election. How this got so out of control is beyond me, but it's maddening.
3) There is NO constitutional right to vote in a national presidential election. It is how we currently practice voting, but it is NOT a right and it surely isn't a DUTY. If I choose not to vote, that is between ME and well, ME. It's no one else's business. All of these, free crap if you voted today promo's are technically illegal. I don't want everyone voting to be honest with you. I'd rather that only people who know the issues and have formed an educated opinion go out and make decisions to shape our nations future. As it stands, any idiot not currently in jail can go and cast a ballot (typically going straight down the list voting for their parties candidates with no real concept of who they're voting for or why).
Rant over... I told you, I'm in a funky mood.
Last night I dreamt that my best friend from middle school was still alive (he passed when we sophmores in high school, so more than 10 years ago), that he had been in hiding from the mob and was now free to pick up his life. Even stranger he was in my mother's house, somewhere but try as I might, I couldn't find him. Really weird. Not my normal pregnant but can't find maternity clothes or can't decide on names or blah blah blah dream at all. It's been a while since he passed, so he really isn't someone I dream about often, but for some reason this dream was very disturbing to me and set me into a funky mood all day.
So, yeah, feeling a little crazy... then there's the whole election business. I'm really, really sick of the election. Don't get me wrong, I totally dig the political process. I'm just sick of the over-hyped, in your face, constantness (if that wasn't a word, it is now!) of this particular election. OK, I feel a rant coming on, you're forewarned...
1) I don't care who celebrities are voting for. Frankly, I think celebrities becoming over politicized is a huge turn-off (yes, I'm talking about YOU Leonardo DiCaprio, Anglina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Pink & the chick who hosts VH1's weekly count down show). I don't care that you like Barak Obama, I don't care how you feel about gay marriage, and I could give a shit less about your political opinions in general. I'm personally of the belief that if one person has cast a vote based on YOUR opinion instead of determining their own, that YOU have done this country a great disservice by abusing your celebrity. You are an entertainer, entertain and shut up about politics.
2) We don't need daily freaking polls for a month leading up to the election. How this got so out of control is beyond me, but it's maddening.
3) There is NO constitutional right to vote in a national presidential election. It is how we currently practice voting, but it is NOT a right and it surely isn't a DUTY. If I choose not to vote, that is between ME and well, ME. It's no one else's business. All of these, free crap if you voted today promo's are technically illegal. I don't want everyone voting to be honest with you. I'd rather that only people who know the issues and have formed an educated opinion go out and make decisions to shape our nations future. As it stands, any idiot not currently in jail can go and cast a ballot (typically going straight down the list voting for their parties candidates with no real concept of who they're voting for or why).
Rant over... I told you, I'm in a funky mood.
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