A Letter to My Mother-In-Law

Preface: Things have been pretty hairy on the MIL front over the past couple of weeks, and now they're at critical mass. G is essentially shutting her off, to the point of wanting to change our phone numbers and not give her the address to the new house.



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Dear P,



Let me start by saying, I know you don't like me (and to be clear, I don't like you either). You never have. I also know that this has nothing to do with me. I could be anyone and you would still hate me, because you are a selfish person who wants to control and dominate. The problem is that you want to control and manipulate my husband, and that's not going to happen. See, G is a grown up with his own life and makes his own decisions. He likes it that way. He also likes having a wife who treats him like an adult and an equal and a partner. He does not like having a mother who is constantly undermining him and treating him like a child. He is 33 after all. Should you ever decide to be a grown up and accept this as a good thing, I know that he would love to have a healthy and normal relationship with you. But as things stand you are hurting him and pushing him away. That's all I'll say about G, because that's between you and him. I don't like seeing my husband hurt, but I know that I can't stop you from hurting him and I can't stop him from letting you, all I can do is be there to support him when you do.



On the subject of you and I; however, I do have more to say. For starters, you may have selective memory, and you may believe you were nice to me at some point throughout the years, but you were not. I have many witnesses to this fact, and if you'd like to sue me (and by proxy G) for slander, bring it on. In order for a statement to be slanderous it has to be false, so good luck winning a slander suit. You have said terrible things to me. You have called me terrible names. Most of this happened while I was still a minor, before I knew better than to speak to you. If you'd like to have a very public display of what a hateful person you were to a young girl who wanted nothing more than to be in love (and be your friend), then let's do it. I have neighbors who saw you pull up in front of my house and yell for me to come out so you could kick my a.ss. My family has listened on the phone as you called me every name in the book. Trust me, however you remember the last 16 years, you have not been a good person to me and there are lots of people who have seen it. So, I'd quit making slander lawsuit threats.



I'd also quit telling my husband that it's only a matter of time before I cheat on him. Unlike you, I love my husband. This statement has me pretty upset for two reasons. Firstly, you hurt my husband, and that's just not allowed. From anyone. Secondly, this is an example of a slanderous statement. There is absolutely no reason to believe that I'd ever cheat on Gar. We are in a loving marriage, built on Christ our savior. We have overcome many adversities together and have grown only stronger. What part of that suggests that I treat him poorly or am just moments away from screwing someone else? Don't project your crap and baggage onto me, I'm NOTHING like you. You may have screwed around on B (and who knows who else), and B may have screwed around on you, but you two are not me and G. Of course, it's not wrong when you do it... *note the dripping sarcasm*



Also, unlike you, apparently, I have better things to discuss with my friends and family than you. No, my mother and I don't just sit around bad mouthing you all day. As a matter of fact, other than when my husband calls me upset from a call or time spent with you, I don't even think about you. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes think of how unfortunate it is that my children won't have the benefit of two strong and loving Grandmothers like I had, but that's not about you, that's about my & G's children.



Whether you like it or not, G and I are having children. In fact, we might be pregnant right now. It's just too early to tell. We were not pregnant on Christmas, though, nor was I "faking it" as you claim. See part of my treatments involves taking an hcg shot, which makes you feel pregnant. Morning sickness and all for some. I'm one of the lucky ones who gets the false morning sickness. Thanks for being so concerned for my well being though, I know it was tough. At any rate, we are going to have children, whether they are biological or adopted or both. They probably will be both. See, we've waited until we were settled and mature to have children. (I know you were fully mature at 15, but most people aren't, also most 50 year olds don't still act they're 15, but whatever.) We BOTH want this. Yes, G wants to be a father. That's what happens when you wait until you're a grown up to make major life decisions, you WANT the responsibility, because you know it comes with rewards. I'm sorry that you feel G was burden and held you back in life. Although, considering Grandma had him most of the time, you were out partying or on a truck with your boyfriend or whatever you did for most of his childhood, I'm not really seeing how he was such a burden to you. He really appreciates you bringing it up all the time though. It really makes a person feel good to know their mother never really wanted them and feels like their life is worse for having them.



You can stop with the family pride. If that is what you're proud to be associated with, I'm quite glad to be an outsider. With the exception of the B family (C, P, C, J & H) your family are all trash. Yes, all. You have rapists, child molesters, thieves, child molesters, adulterers, liars, thieves, gold diggers, alcoholics, drug addicts and the like in your family who you adamantly defend as good people. Then have the gall to call me names and talk about my family. Really? Your sister who thinks it's OK to pour kerosene on a child's head to get rid of lice (oh, and who let the poor kid get lice) is a better person than my uncle the pastor? You have a cousin serving a life sentence in prison for molesting a child, who you see regularly and he's a good person, but I'm a bad person? Seriously, you have strange priorities when you would rather be associated with that lot than G and me. But, if that's what you call good people, I'm quite alright with you thinking I'm no good. Because, I'm not like those people. I only bring your family into things because you seemed to have a lot to say about mine this afternoon. Only what I'm saying about your family is true.



The bottom line, P, I don't care what you think of me or my family. I don't care if you hate me. I don't care if you want to call and leave me voice mails railing me for some thing or another. Really, I don't, because I don't care about you. But I do care about the effect of your actions on my husband, and if you love him as you claim to, you should care about that too.



F Off,



M

So Sleepy

I literally just slept straight through my lunch hour, and then some. Had my ovaries not woke me up, I might still be asleep. Speaking of the ovaries, OW! When do they stop hurting? My trigger was Saturday night, so I should have o'd at some point during the night last night, but they still hurt like the dickens.

So, I'm guessing the continued pain is probably a good sign, like everything ruptured the way it's supposed to. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Two weeks.

What a Long Day!

I have had a very long day today. Made only longer by hot flashes, fatigue and a complete inability to sleep at night when I'm supposed to.

Today started with my psyanky class. Dad came with me, and I'm glad he did. We had a great time and made some beautiful pysanky. Well, my pysanka was OK, it's still not as good as I'd like it to be. Here I'll show ya...

Fun, right? Dad's was good, too. The instructor said his was an excellent first egg.

The instructor was a very sweet lady, and I just love her. Today was the first time we'd ever met, but she was so warm and sweet. We got onto the subject of children (she has seven!) and eventually onto fertility treatments (she has a neice with IVF twins). I shared with her that we were in the midst of treatments. (Yes, that's right, someone else brought up babies and infertility.) She asked questions and when I told her that we actually have some good news this cycle she was genuinely happy and hugged me. A practical stranger. It really struck me how that's the reaction I should be getting from our family and friends, or at least those who know what we're doing. I know I can't expect more from people than they have to give, but whatever, it was nice to have someone really care for change (not you dear internets, I know you care).

What really struck me though, was the contrast between this strangers reaction and G's mother's reaction. Now, I haven't mentioned G's mother veyr much on here, and that's because we don't speak. At all. There are many reasons, but suffice it to say I don't like her and she wishes I were dead so there you have it. Anyway, her reaction to our seeking fertility help was essentially that she thought we shouldn't have children, children ruin your life and she wasn't going to be tied down because we decided to go out and get knocked up. Oh, and she knows her son doesn't want children, so that fat bi.tch (that'd be me) must have manipulated him and she was going to talk to him and set him straight. Now, first of all, there was a time when that would have had me ready to claw her eyes out of her head, but I've been putting up with this nonsense long enough to just ignore it. Except when it's tearing my husband apart. He is sincerely hurt that his mother is so well... crazy? I really can't think of a better word. He's excited to have a baby, with me of all things. And for her to essentially tell him that he doesn't really want that, and etc... hurts his feelings. But, according to her the only reason his feelings are hurt is because I've manipulated him into hating her. Oi!

Like I said, long day...

Do you like to do it yourself?

So, I have several rather disconnected things on my mind tonight. For starters, I've turned the Facebook link back off. It's just too exposing. The whole purpose of the blog is to be able to be open and relatively anonymous. Since Facebook doesn't let me pick and choose what to bring over, I guess I'll have to do it myself. (A phrase which ALWAYS make me think of Elizabeth Banks in The 40 Year Old Virgin.) Don't get me wrong, I want to keep my RL friends apprised of what's going on, but I just can't deal with my hubs buddies knowing that my ovaries hurt when I poo.

Speaking of... my ovaries hurt when I poo! For realz! I think one of them may actually explode during ovulation. Wanna know something else? As long as I get knocked up, I think I'd be OK with that just to ease some of the pressure. I guess this should be a good thing, right? The follies are growing and what not.

I hope all of the follicles are coming along nicely. It's funny because, in my heart of hearts, I want twins. I've wanted twins for my entire life. Twins are a big deal in my family because we have many pairs, but few who both survived. My Dad is a twin, but his brother Larry died when they were less than one year old. Big C is a twin, but his twin was ectopic. My Gran was always pro-twin, and I think she has a lot to do with my always wanting twins. She used to talk about how twins run in the family and she said she hoped for twin great grand children. She almost (and I am NOT talking bad in any way about my Gran, who is a saint and whom I love dearly and miss daily) gave her twin desire to me as a responsibility. As if it were my destiny to deliver twin great grand-children to her. Now, she never said anything like that outright, but she also never had to. she was clearly disappointed when G and I had issues, because to her mind, I should have provided her first great grand-children and there should have been two. So, when my sister went first she wasn't happy about it until Big C was here (then she was in love him through and through). Then lots of my cousins started having babies, even some of the "younger" cousins, and while Gran was always happy about the babies, I always felt she was somehow disappointed in my lack of ability to "keep up." When her great niece had twins (using Clomid) she immediately called me to tell me to see the girls doctor. This was before G and I had even considered seeing a fertility specialist. I had my last miscarriage shortly after my Gran passed. The last words I said to her before she died were that I was pregnant (and she was the only person I told). She died the next morning. On the one hand, I know this isn't the case, but on the other I have to wonder... could she have been hanging on for her twins? All of that to say, with four follicles that twin hope is back. Don't get me wrong, I'll be ecstatic, jumping up and down praising the Lord from the highest tower if one healthy baby is the result of this madness. But... there could be two.

Well, I'm in a pickle, I've got so much more on my mind, and yet this post is so long already. You don't mind a little more rambling do ya? I didn't think so...

The other thing on my mind is my friend P. She's just had a baby a few weeks ago and like a complete as.shole I've not been to see her or the baby, yet. Now, she's a fellow IF'er, so she said in advance she'd understand if I had issues with being that close to a new baby. Truthfully, though, that wasn't it at all. I got sick. One sore throat and fever after another for four weeks. I have no immune system, and I thought I might have lymphoma, so I really didn't bi.tch about it too much. But, I pretty much spent all of February sick. Then since then, I've felt more like it's too late. Or I've missed my chance to do the right thing and see her (mind you, when I realized I was going to be sick a while, I sent flowers and e-mails). I feel like calling is an imposition and coming over will be inconvenient to her, but she'll say that it isn't to humor me. So, either I'm right, in which case we aren't as good as friends as I though we were. Alternatively, I'm right and I'm just a needy, pathetic thing who is being an as.shole. I don't know which is worse. Of course, the most likely scenario is that I'm crazy and am projecting my own low self worth onto other people. I feel really badly because I really love her, but I'm not sure how to get things back to normal after being absent when I should not have been.

See, this is why I don't open up to many RL friends, and why I had to turn off the Facebook link once and for all.

Houston We Have Eggs

Four of them to be exact. Well, technically we have follicles. Four. Big ones. Yay!

I've been on a date with the wand again this morning and my favorite u/s nurse, Dorinda, found two 16mm follicles on each side! That is officially my best response, yet. So we are all set to trigger on Saturday!

This could be it!!!! Of course, the universe will now have to punish me for daring to have hope, but screw it, I'm going to anyway!!

Selling the house

Yes, I'm selling my house, or trying to anyway. When we were in the midst of "Cancer Scare '09" (as I'm now referring to February) G and I discussed some possible ways to financially manage with me not working. The best plan we could come up with was sell the house and rent one of my mother's houses. Selling the house frees enough money to pay off a credit card, and hopefully a car. With the debt paid off we would be in better financial shape if I were sick and couldn't work. So, then when it turned out I wasn't cancer ridden I thought, hey... no reason we couldn't still do the move plan. It still makes sound financial sense, to me. So, we're gearing up to do just that. Yay!

I'm actually pretty excited about moving. Those of you who know me, know that while I like my little house, I'm completely over it. There are lots of little things really bugging me lately about my house and neighborhood. Oh, right, and some big things, like strangers in hot tub, and living next door to a fire station. But for real, the fire station is close. Anyway, I'm over it and ready for something new.

I'm also excited about moving because of it's implications of leaving behind the old. Sure, there are good memories in this house, but there are lots of bad ones. All of our infertility woes have been in this house. All four miscarriages happened in this house. G & I have had our fair share of marital disharmony in this house as well. I feel like moving will be leaving all of that behind and starting over. Obviously, I don't think that somehow my body will change and miraculously everything will be alright, but I do think that making a physical change is a step in the direction of hope.

In other news... Thursday's my next date with the ultrasound wand. While I'm not the biggest fan of being poked and proded first thing in the morning, I am really looking forward to learning how many follicles we have and how big they are. Mrs. Left has been making her presence known over the past day or two, so I'm sure there's something going on over there. I'm praying for four, hoping for two and bracing myself for one. The right one. The good one.

Who was in the hot tub?

Well, not me, that's for damn sure. So, who was? I don't know.

The other night G went out with some friends and I went over to my Mom's for a visit. When I got home all of the icicles were broken off of the cover, the jets were on high, the lights were on and the bubbles were on. I didn't see any footprints, but the back of the hot tub is adjacement to grass, so that doesn't mean much. The jets only stay on high for 15 minutes. I literally just missed someone who wasn't me or G using my hot tub.

I need to move. I am so tired of my neighborhood and this little incident is just the icing on the cake.