I'm Moving to an Undisclosed Location

Due to ongoing family drama issues, this forum is no longer a safe place for me to write my honest feelings anonymously. This is mostly because I stupidly trusted someone who has proven themselves untrustworthy many times. So, because RL people are now reading and commenting IRL about this, I'm moving. If you would like the new site, please PM me (arminta dot ward at gmail dot com, only with the characters in place of the dot and at) and I will gladly send it to you. I hope to keep my IF friends and ditch the RL drama.

Since this is the last post where RL people will be reading, I'd like to address a few things with you.

- I don't have the energy for the bullshit anymore. I don't have the energy to ignore and keep the peace. I'm having a hard enough time putting one foot in front of the other, getting out of bed and showing up to work. Thank you so much for making it even harder. That said, I'm no longer holding back, you don't want to know what I'm thinking, don't ask (reading this blog is the equivalent of asking). You don't want my opinions on things that happen in MY HOUSE, don't come over.

- My baby just died. If I can't look you in the eye without crying, that's me. If I can't deal with people being around, that's me. If you want to take it personally and get the ass, fuck you. I don't need non-supportive people in my life right now. Also for the record... I'm NOT OK. Don't ask me if I'm OK, because I'm not, and I don't know that I ever will be again. You can ask how I am, or how today's going, but if you ask if I'm OK, I'm going to lose it.

- I have wanted a baby since I was four years old. I have been actively trying to have a baby for almost six years. I have had five miscarriages. It's hard for me to see people piss away everything I've ever wanted for their own selfishness. You may not think you are, but you are. And it's not just you, there lots and lots of these situations big and small in my life. I can't deal with it. That's my problem. I do really appreciate your turning it all around and finding another way to be selfish, though.

- You have never been in my shoes. You don't even have an inkling of what I'm going through. So don't presume to tell me how I should or should not feel. Don't think that you understand or that you know your stuff is more important. You don't know. I feel how I feel, and that very likely isn't going to change. If you want to be helpful, some support and love would go a lot further than telling me how I should feel and what I should do. I know how I should feel, but I don't and I can't change that.

- On top of everything else, I wake up feeling like I've been in a car accident EVERY morning. I'm in pain, a lot. Usually, that makes me pretty grumpy and compounds everything else. I think I have a little bit of a right to be pissed off about my lot in life. If don't agree, that's fine, but keep it to yourself. Frankly, I'm furious about the shit I have to deal with and I'm sick to death of it.

If you're an IF friend and you made this far, sorry. But again, if want to follow me (I'll still be following you), PM me.

Everything's Fine

At lunch with G I heard one of my old favorite songs from college and it really hit with how I'm feeling right now. Not literally, of course I am eating and bathing, but emotionally. The song is Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham.

I'm hungry
I'm dirty
I'm losing my mind
Everything's fine

I'm freezing
I'm starving
I'm bleeding death
Everything's fine

Yeah, Im working, making money
I'm just starting to build a name
I can feel it around the corner
I could make it any day

Mother mother can you hear me
yeah I'm sober
sure I'm sane
Life is perfect never better
still your daughter
still the same

If I tell you what you want to hear
will it help you to sleep wellat night
Are you sure that Im your perfect dear
now just cuddle up and sleep tight

Hot n Cold

That's me! Figuratively and literally.

I'm OK, then I'm not.

I'm freezing, then I'm sweating.

I had a complete breakdown watching the Tony's last night. But for real, the Tony's! Why?

Well, at the beginning of our fateful bad ultrasound, G asked the vampire, I mean nurses assistant, what to expect. She said moving arms and legs and he made a joke about the baby doing jazz hands at us. So, yes, the Tony's sent me into near hysterics.

When does this pass? When will I be able to breathe again without feeling empty?

When will I be able to envision the future without the shoulda beens? For example... a friend let me know about a fabulous deal on airfare to Hawaii in October. I can't even imagine it, because I shoulda been 7 months pregnant in October. October isn't even here, yet, but to me it's past tense. Will it always be that way? Will I always put life into the perspective of my Blueberry Bean?

In other news... It's been 3 weeks since the D&C and 6 weeks since the baby died and I still haven't had a period. I'm starting to get a little worried about when I'm going to get back to normal. I think maybe if I have a bleed I can feel like it's really over, but as it stands I still feel in limbo. Obviously, it's over. Surgery finalized that. But, my boobs are still sore, I'm still peeing all the dang time and I haven't bled, yet, so while the big things are gone (nausea, overwhelming and constant exhaustion) I still feel a little pregnant. Maybe that's why I can't let go?

Things I'm Digging Right Now

Short listy kind of post...

1) Alcohol
2) Wii Fit
3) Summer heat
4) All things Twilight
5) Saying NO to stress and obligation

Heart Breaking All Over Again

Tomorrow was supposed to be the official end to my first trimester. It was supposed to be the day that the weight slid off and I could finally enjoy my pregnancy. But instead it will just be the day that I mourn what could have been. Wait, that's not really different from any other day... Fuck!

I do have a consultation with the sleep study doc tomorrow. So, there's that. I'll have a c-pap soon. That'll be lots of fun to get used to. Maybe he'll throw in a mouthpiece for good measure so I stop grinding my teeth into powder at night.

For some reason, I grind worse when Big C stays over. I think it's because he grinds too, and the sound of his grinding triggers more grinding on my end. Who knows?

Also, for some strange reason I felt the need to get my Femara prescription filled, so I guess I do have another try left in me. Now all I've got to do is get the pig nose, more Ovidrel, all of the insulin drugs and some sanity and we'll be all set.

New Look

For techie person by profession, I'm not so good with the webby stuff. HTML was just never my thing, but luckily there are people out there who rock at HTML and make cute layouts for the rest of us. I'm pretty pleased with the new look, what do you guys think?

I'm Considering Myself Tagged

So, Bunny over at bugaboo envy has tagged everyone that reads her for the 8x8 meme, and I'm somebody that reads her. Basically, I'm guessing ya'll are getting tired of my self indulgent misery posts, so here's a change of pace post.

The rules of the 8x8:
1) Name the person who tagged you: Bunny
2) Complete the list
3) Tag 8 more people

8 things I'm looking forward to:
1) The new Harry Potter movie
2) The new Twilight movie (OK, this is getting pathetic, all I'm looking forward to are movies)
3) Eventually one day maybe being a mother (it's less certain than the movies...)
4) The summer
5) My big project at work being over
6) Writing more this summer
7) Swimming
8) Vacation

8 things I did yesterday:
1) Wii Fit (for 48 "fit credits" woot woot!)
2) Worked in my garden
3) Bought a magazine
4) Cried
5) Gave Mary her cup back
6) Picked peonies
7) Cleaned
8) Laundry

8 things I wish I could do:
1) Get pregnant without the intervention of a small army of medical professionals
2) Stay pregnant (with or without the intervention of a small army of medical professionals)
3) Speak a foreign language fluently
4) Grow more veggies
5) Be less judgemental and bitter
6) Be a better friend
7) Have more friends (probably would be easier if I were a better friend)
8) Be healthy

8 favorite fruits:
1) Plum
2) Pear
3) Blueberry
4) Apple
5) Strawberry
6) Banana
7) Watermelon
8) Grape

8 shows I watch:
1) 24
2) Good Eats
***OK, I usually watch movies... so the rest are either old shows I watch re-runs of, or shows that G watches and I read or blog through, but they get into my head because I'm in the same room when they're on...***
3) The Sopranos
4) Weeds
5) Flight of the Concords
6) Charm School
7) The survival one with Bear Grylls (no idea what it's called)
8) The one on Spike where they match up different fighters from different times to see who would win (no idea what it's called)

8 places I'd like to visit:
1) Maine
2) Michigan
3) Ireland
4) Italy
5) Scotland/Wales
6) Key West
7) Bora Bora/Moorea
8) Hawaii

8 places I have lived:
** This ones hard because I haven't lived that many places **
1) The ghetto in Dayton, OH
2) The hood in Dayton, OH
3) Less of the hood in Dayton, OH
4) Trotwood, OH
5) Riverside, OH
6) Harrison Twp, OH
7) Columbus, OH
8) ??? I guess we'll have to see what the future has in store...

8 things I love:
1) My hubs - G is the best of the best
2) My nephews - They keep me going when times are tough
3) My dogs - They keep me going in a different way from the boys
4) My friends - They keep me grounded
5) Writing - Keeps me from losing it
6) Cooking - Keeps me sane
7) Reading - Helps me escape
8) Photography/Scrapbooking - Helps me remember the good when all I can think of is the bad

I am not going to tag specific people, because I just don't like to do that. So, if you're reading this, you're tagged. Feel free to do or not, whatever floats your boat.